The World's Only Zine

As a new Starfleet cadet, you may be wondering why humans, and species who look exactly like humans with decorated foreheads, are in charge of everything. This can be confusing to new recruits, since literally every other intelligent species has some sort of super strength, ultra intelligence or magical power that humans do not possess and human foreheads are smooth and boring.

To answer this question, it is helpful to learn more about human beings, the species that destroyed their home planet so that their rulers could turn a quick profit in the fossil fuel industry. Did you know that the vast majority of humans each have only one set of genitals? Also, they are prone to grouping together and committing genocide and slavery against populations of other humans. For this reason, is it’s best not to get on their bad side.

Human beings don’t like being told what to do by people who are not their cult leaders. And because they tend to preemptively wipe out entire civilizations who talk, look or think differently than they, most of us have decided it’s best to let them feel superior by running Starfleet.

According to physics, the formation of hail in the Earth’s atmosphere is impossible. This, according to two studies published in the prestigious journal Nature. An MIT study by authors Jean Grêle and Pablo Granizo claims that electrostatic limits in a fluctuating in-bound magnetic field make the structural integrity of hail “untenable.” “Furthermore,” says Grêle, “an energy source equivalent to 9,000 suns would be required to produce and sustain even small particles of hail as they fell to Earth.”

It is postulated by Elana Seudónimo, director of the CERN research team that authored the second study, that the phenomenon of hail must be a product of a sophisticated yet increasingly glitchy computer simulation. “This is evidence of a crack in the reality presented to us.” The CERN team believes that the computing error responsible for creating the appearance of hail could be leveraged to create “subliminal space vortex shields” that could be coupled with unflavored quantum particles called frizzles to induce insulated magnetic flux indicators, allowing people to safely travel between the simulated worlds of different quantum realities.

Physicists across the globe have expressed excitement that this line of research could open up a limitless source of clean, free energy. 

Don Stultus, the Trump administration’s head of the National Science Bored has called for the research into hail to be defunded, calling it “woke,” “antisemitic,” and “illegal DEI.” Secretary of State Marco Rubio has promised that the scientists involved will be deported to a prison in an unspecified third country.

▶ Cantaloups are now Americantaloups.

▶ The nullification of birthright citizenship now applies to anyone born in the United States, regardless of the status of their parents. Persons who wish to earn US citizenship will have to battle it out on the DHS reality TV Show, Who Wants to Be an American? Contestant entry fee is $5,000 or one Trump Crypto-Coin.

▶ Barron Trump, born to illegal immigrant Melania Trump before she was granted citizenship, will be exempted from deportation. The order also exempts Usha Vance, who’s parents were not US citizens at the time of her birth, from deportation, and Elon Musk, who illegally overstayed his student visa before becoming a citizen and destroying the US government. The order also exempts all future foreign-born wives of Donald Trump.

▶ Trump bans visitors from foreign nations not currently engaged in genocide.

▶ TRUMP BANS NON-CAPITALIZED LETTERS! ALL WRITING WILL NOW BE IN ALL CAPS! “THOSE PUNY SMALL LETTERS ARE ANTI-CAPITALIST!!!! MAKE AMERICA ALL CAPS AGAIN! MAACA!!! ANDY CAPP IS A GREAT AMERICAN!” ALSO BANNED ARE ALL PUNCTUATION MARKS EXCEPT EXCLAMATION POINTS! ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST PUNKUATION!