The World's Only Zine
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Shut Yer Pie Hole!
The Zine
Shut Yer Pie Hole! is a "zine," short for the blood pressure medicine hydralazine. Ironic, since readers report that Shut Yer Pie Hole! actually raises blood pressure by an average of 200 points per issue. What you are reading now is the online version, which pales in comparison to the original print version of the zine. Each joke on this web page is 10% less funny than the equivalent joke in our printed zine.
To pick up your very own copy of a printed Pie Hole, either visit the town of Bloomington Indiana and knock out a pedestrian and steal their copy, or send us money for a subscription (see below, somewhere).
Letter from the Editor
Welcome to these words you are reading. You are probably wondering, "Does time really flow backwards beyond the event horizon of a black hole?" Keep reading this zine, and eventually you will have had already known. I would first like to start to begin with a statement from our legal department: Although issues number one through 250 of Shut Yer Pie Hole! were produced from our offices in the back of a guest bungalow on Jeffery Epstein's Island, we neither met nor knew Jefferey Epstein (is that his name?). We apologize for any false impression that people may have had that any member of our staff or their escorts were on Jefferey's payroll unbeknownst to them and to ourselves. Any fake news that implicates any of us, who barely even met the guy and broke up with him many years ago, is a political hoax wrapped in a witch hunt. You can tell that we are innocent because we made an exceptionally generous crypto donation to President's Trump's Board of Peace and Arc de Trump. After Mr. Trump finishes destroying the Middle East, nobody will be left to oppose his well-earned Nobel Peace Prize.
It is hard to make our periodic publication keep up with the news. That is why Shut Yer Pie Hole! is proud to preemptively announce that we support the next war, which we are sure will be in full swing by the time this issue comes out. The nation of ______ is run by lunatics and would have attacked us with their future weapons of mass destruction if we hadn't bombed them. Shut Yer Pie Hole! will never be accused of not supporting the troops because we question the legality, morality or wisdom of an unprovoked, seemingly random war. We know that, like War Boss Pete Hegseth, a mighty nation must release its built-up alpha male energy by periodically thrusting its manhood at smaller nations incapable of significantly fighting back. And only sissies use protection, so if poking small countries leads to new regimes, those regimes must be allowed to come to term. You may need a metaphorklift to decipher those last couple of sentences. That is why we have created the website Metaphorklift.com, to help you unlock the elusive wisdom of our zine. See the back page of this zine for our full statement on the peaceful bombing of the latest country our President has ordered destroyed for the good of its people.
RECENT PIE HOLE FILLINGS
White House Statement on Iran School Bombing
White House spokesthing Karoline Leavitt Tobeaver told reporters that the recent US targeting of an Iranian elementary girls school that left at least 165 dead "is just Viet Cong propaganda. In reality... hold on, old memo. What I meant to say is that the deaths of schoolchildren is the fault of the Taliban, who intentionally place civilians in harm's way. Oh, hold on. Sorry, old memo. Ahem. The death of civilians is the direct result of Saddam's regime that uses civilians as human shields. Furthermore- Wait a minute. Wrong memo. As I was saying, civilian deaths were caused by Iran who obtained a US Tomahawk missile and used it to kill their own children, to make President Trump look bad." Leavitt Tobeaver went on to say, "It is not the policy of the United States to target civilians but, as War Boss Pete Hegseth says, we don't need no sissy rules stopping us from killing civilians. In war, schools get bombed. That's the way it is."
Americans React to Iran Bombing Campaign
We surveyed Americans from all jogs of life, asking what they thought about President's Trump's big, beautiful destruction of the Middle East. Here is what they said.
"I'm OK with families being killed, especially families from countries that never thanked President Trump for not bombing them in the past, but the price of gas has gone up, so I'm against the war. I will be for it again when gas prices drop." - Real American from Flyover Country whose needs are ignored by coastal elites
"Those flying body parts are just crisis actors." - Alex Jones
"We acted in defense of Iran's defense of our attack." - Marco Rubio
"Golden curtains." - Donald Trump
Bloomington, Indiana's Oldest Resident Shares Secret to Her Longevity
"People always ask me what my secret is," says Marth Knopht. At 73 years young, Ms. Knopht is Bloomington’s oldest resident.
The septuagenarian waxes and wanes about her life to reporters on the occasion of her 73rd birthday. "All of my friends are gone. Most people in Bloomington die of PCB poisoning by their fifties. Those who make it to their sixties usually spontaneously combust."
When asked about her diet, Ms. Knopht says, "I don't have a diet. Are you crazy? It has the word 'die' right in it."
But she does try to stay active. "I try to stay active. I throw stones at [Indiana University President] Pam Whitten's passing motorcade. I urinate in the police station lobby. And I am a friend to the animals. Mostly the small ones who need our help, like the cockroaches. I have a cockroach rescue farm in my kitchen."
With a heart of gold (which replaced her biological heart in 1958), Marth Knopht avoids the letter a and sneaks into people's homes to steal their baked goods and baby toys.
"I've led a good life. Of course, I can't do all the things I used to, like pogo dancing on my pogo stick. but I can still enjoy masturbating to classical music and poisoning the drinks of reporters at my birthday party."
This article was filed by the estate of the late Shut Yer Pie Hole! writer, Cire Nodrog.
Boys Face Insurmountable Odds in a New World Where They Have No Place
Poor boys, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, poor boys, blah blah bah. Things are so hard for boys, blah blah blah. So unfair, blah blah blah bah blah blah blah blah blah. Wah wah, poor boys, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
And don't even get us started on the obstacles faced by White people.
Art Sand Entertainment
• The Performer-in-Chief has unilaterally decided to shut down the Trump-Kennedy Center indefinitely due to important things that have nothing to do with all the respectable artists in the world refusing to play at the venue bearing his name. See more at www.KennedyCenterNews.com (apologies to the big man - the website was named before President Trump saved the Kennedy Center by attaching his name to it).
• The Melania Docudramedy, Melaria, is nominated in all 400 categories of the 2026 Trumpademy Awards. With all Trumpademy members not wanting to be disappeared voting for it, it is a shoe-in! And that shoe would be a 6-inch Prada stiletto.
• Tonight on The News, War: How Good is it?: Commentators discuss the logistics, alliances, strategies, politics and economic impacts of war without mentioning irrelevant topics, like the morality of killing people.
• Bob Dylan is set to play Timothée Chalamet, reflecting on his role as Bob Dylan, in the upcoming Trump-Ellison Paramount-Warner Netflix-HBO film, Chalamaybe Dylan.
We Support the War
A Shut Yer Pie Hole! Editorial
In keeping with our 150-year-old tradition, the back page of this publication expresses the opinions of the Shut Yer Pie Hole! Editorial Board on important matters of the day. We offer today's editorial to our 17 1/2 million readers on the subject of the current war. Because of the seriousness of this matter, we are writing in Times New Roman font.
The beautiful war against _____________ is not a war. It is an excursion, and we already won, but we are going to win bigger. The people who run _____________ are very bad people. They are lunatics and we had to take them out. President Trump will decide who gets to lead _____________ and it will be a great deal, like you've never seen before. So much money for America and, quite frankly, for _____________. They stole our oil. It belongs to us.
A lot more people will die, but that's just the way it is. We do killing better than anyone else. And they killed their own people. We didn't do it. That was them, pretending to be us.
This war, really more of a victory celebration of bombing than a war, will be over very soon. It is over already, but it will be over very soon. We got a big, beautiful deal out of it. So big. So beautiful.
The reason that we need to destroy _____________ is that they are developing narco-terrorist nuclear missiles that would have destroyed our beautiful America country ... and they have been very unfair to us. We had a deal. Trump tore it up and gave them a chance to get another deal but we bombed them because they didn't have a deal. They are far-left low IQ people from a shithole country sending their criminals here to replace us. We won't have a country if we don't bomb the hell out of them. No other president has ever been able to do anything about it. Only President Trump is smart enough to sometimes name the country he is bombing. We already decimated all of their army, ships, planes and missiles. We obliterated their nuclear program and killed their leaders. We obliterated their whole military and all their weapons. And that is why the war is over and we have to keep bombing them.
And this is why Shut Yer Pie Hole! supports this war-ish thing against _____________. The President will end this non-war that the other side started by defending themselves against us. And he will get his Nobel Peace Prize. And if the leader of Norway doesn't give him his prize, he will start another thing like a war that isn't a war, and when the new country pays him to end it, Norway will have to give him the prize. If not, another sort-of war. That's the way it is.
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