VOTED BEST WEBSITE BY THE EDITORS OF SHUT YER PIE HOLE!
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Letter from the Editor
There is nothing more destructive to democracy than voting. That may seem obvious to you, our beloved MAGA readership, but there are many deranged people infesting our country who think voting should be widespread, like the measles. Thankfully, our very stable genius leader is doing away with those people and their votes. This issue of Shut Yer Pie Hole! is dedicated to the proposition that we won't have a country anymore if the unwashed masses continue to have easy access to the ballot box.
Here is a partial list of the great things we have that no one voted for:
1. Cake: There was no vote, cake just arrived. Now, we can have our cake and can eat it too, whatever the hell that means.
2. The military-industrial complex, sustained through periodic, random wars.
3. Billionaires owning the government and the economy, and profiting off pandemics, slave wages and war.
4. The police state now made more blatant than ever with the addition of ICE.
5. Mass extinction and the destruction of the environment.
6. Donald Trump: yes, there was voting, but it was only thanks to massive fraud that Trump could claim he won. Luckily, the Democrats can't point out stolen elections because they are afraid they will sound like delusional Republicans.
7. A kleptocratic cult regime of spineless, bigoted morons.
8. The highest incarceration rate in the world.
9. A shadowy network of mass detention camps.
10. Plastic! In our land, oceans, blood and eyeballs.
11. More guns than people.
As you can see, we have plenty of good stuff that no one voted for. Now go out there and don't vote!
RECENT PIE HOLE FILLINGS
Trump Ties Allowing Voting to Passage of ENSLAVE America Act
President Trump has vowed to "send ICE in to Democrat states" that insist on voting, unless Congress passes his signature election "reform" law, the ENSLAVE (Elites Nullify Suffrage, Laughing As Voters Evaporate) America Act. The law will prevent the wrong kind of Americans from voting, and codify a rule requiring mail-in ballots to be post-marked at least two decades in advance of an election. "Millions of illegal DEI trans athletes are voting while competing in women's sports," said the President.
Indiana University is Run by the NAZI Party
The N.A.Z.I. (Narrow-minded Administration for Zombification at Indiana) Party has successfully squashed free speech, academic inquiry and critical thinking at the former school of higher learning in the nondescript midwestern state. Chief NAZI, Pam "Goebbel-Goebbel said the turkey" Whitten, who personally bankrolls Shut Yer Pie Hole!, says, "That Pie magazine is the only publication that has the guts to support our historic dismantling of American education." Whitten has generously arranged for snipers to be stationed on the roof of the Shut Yer Pie Hole! headquarters, to guard from the riff-raff of Bloom Magazine and other local non-NAZI publications.
White House to Deny New Crimes
On the high heels of Melania Trump's successful "I am not an Epstein co-conspirator" announcement, the White House will be issuing several public denials of nefarious behavior that no one had yet thought to accuse them of. These include:
• JD Vance denying non-existent rumors that he has been eating the pets of Somali refugees.
• President Trump explaining that he did not, in fact, die on the set of the Apprentice in 2015, and the comedian Andy Kaufman has not been impersonating him ever since.
• RFK, Jr. claiming that he has not initiated a program to incarcerate "people infected with vaccinations" in order to extract the vaccines from their blood.
• Elon Musk announcing that this is all real and we are not trapped in a simulation.
ENSLAVE America Act Will Free Americans from Voting
Are you troubled by choice? Choice means killing babies. It also means voting. Why should Marxist Democrats make you decide who to vote for when there's already a good candidate picked by President Trump? Are they saying you're too stupid to know that the best candidate is the one who is an empty husk of a Trump loyalist? The answer is yes, coastal elites hate you so much just because you drive a pick-up truck and use plastic straws to syphon diesel fuel. They want you to give up cheeseburgers and Christmas and give your home to transgender Somali Antifas.
That's why Republicans are saving you from voting. It's not your job. Let us take care of it. We understand you. We aren't banning beer and forcing your children to read books. The ENSLAVE (Eviscerate National Suffrage Leaving Authoritarians to Vote Exclusively) America Act will protect you from the woke radical pro-democracy voters trying to impose Sharia law on your local McDonald's franchise.
Follow the instructions of the masked paramilitary soldiers protecting citizens from voting this election. Voting is for sissies. Stay home and turn on Ellison-Paramount News (EPN, formerly CNN) and learn about the benefits of Sharpie pens from our great leader who has saved the world from cheap Biden gas.
Bloomington, Indiana residents Gerrymandered to Texas
In another Democracy-saving move by Braundiana Governor Mike Braun, the illegally woke residents of the sanctuary city Bloomington, Indiana have been gerrymandered into a Republican district in Texas, where their votes will now be harmless.
The move was part of President Trump's MAGA (Make America Gerrymandered Again) agenda. "In the 1960s, people died in Alabama so that Hoosiers would have the freedom to vote in Texas," explained the Guv.
Every Bloomington resident who votes in Texas will receive a souvenir "Don't Mess With Texasshat..." mini-cowboy hat.
FROM THE SHUT YER PIE HOLE! VAULTS
President Coolidge Puts His Face on Sesquicentennial Coin
From the May 1, 1926 issue of Shut Yer Pie Hole!
Naysayers say nay to Coolidge coin. "It doesn't matter if he also included the likeness of George Washington on the coin," says man not politically beholden to the President. "That doesn't make it legal. That would be like a current president illegally adding his name to a performance art center named after a beloved assassinated president."
Coolidge spokesman Calvin Coolidge counters that he is the best president in history and anyone opposed to putting his face on currency is suffering from "Coolidge Derangement Syndrome."
Liberia, hoping to gain the affection of the great leader of America has printed their own Coolidge currency, depicting the President as a Roman emperor.
"We live in crazy times," says presidential hopeful Herbert Hoover. "Thank God no future president will ever be so delusional as to put his face on our money."
DOJ Leak Links Lincoln to Illegal Alien Trafficking
Rep. James Comer (R), revealed that he was issuing a subpoena to ex-President Abraham Lincoln, prompted by newly leaked files and ongoing transparency efforts by the DOJ. Allegations have emerged implicating the former president in a plot to replace purebred Americans with illegal aliens and other unpermitted persons to vote in our elections. When asked how a dead man from the past could testify, Comer replied, "He's got them top-secret hover things, he can appear wherever, whenever he wants, it's up to him. We're also looking into allegations his assassination may have been staged. It was in a theater, after all."
Asked about the new allegations, President Trump said,"We'll be looking into it. I never did like the guy anyway. He's a time-shifting far-left woke loser lunatic RINO traitor if you ask me. He only got 40% of the vote, imagine that. I got a bigger percent of the vote and somehow Sleepy Joe won. We have the directors of homeland security and the FBI looking into it, searching through archives and recounting ballots. They're taking a look at suspicious documents removed from the Lincoln Library. They're saying it was a hoax. John Wilkes Booth was a patsy, Lincoln never died. I should probably pardon that guy by the way, I haven't thought about it. I can if I want to. Some very smart people told me there's evidence the 1860 election was rigged by illegal aliens using advanced technology I can't tell you about, such as top-secret time-shifting hover vessels with their zoom zip pow, shifting through time and space. The enemy within, the enemy without, future past or present they're here, they're there, they're everywhere!" said Trump while making chopping gestures with his hands. "If I were president back then, we'd never have had that war," adding,"We'll probably have to do something about that monument too."
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