The World's Only Zine

Sick of sans-serif capital ‘i’s being indistinguishable from small ‘L’s? You are not a loan! A loan is a sum of money expected to be paid back, usually with interest. No, my frond, you are the leaf or leaflike part of a palm, fern, or similar plant. And like other chlorophyll-laden appendages, you want clarity from your letters. Join us! Why, you might ask, are we falling apart? No! Join us not with glue or duck tape (the cruelty of making tape from ducks is unbearable, not to mention unduckable, though we did just mention that). No, join us in the sense that you add your shelf to our cause. Cause Ls and Is should be kept dissimilar. Viva la dlfference!

Gay Atheist Group to Honor Gloria Gaynor 

Recently, Gaynor, famous for the song I Will Survive, confused fans by agreeing to accept a Kennedy Center prize personally awarded by the best bigoted rapist in the country, Donald Trump. Gaynor explained that she was accepting the honor to further her mission of “bringing the love of Christ to all my fans.” It has since been revealed that another part of her life’s mission is to donate over $22,000 to MAGA Republicans.

Gloria Gaynor will be awarded the American Atheist Award. The Atheist society, in collaboration with the Gay Communist Union and the U.S. Satanist Club, has invited Ms. Gaynor to receive the prestigious award at the Noam Chomsky/Bernie Sanders Center. 

The ceremony will be hosted by US Representative Ilhan Omar who posted, “As a proud Muslim, I thank Gloria Gaynor for giving me the courage to resist the Christian message and reject the false prophet Jesus.”

Gaynor’s one hit song, from decades ago, was ironically an inspiration to the LBQTIA+ community as well as to women worldwide seeking freedom from the sort of male oppressors that Gaynor actively supports. 

The Atheist Society has asked Ms. Gaynor to donate the award money to the National Solar Panel and Diversity Committee which works to support children who want to turn gay. 

The organization await Ms. Gaynor’s response.

Open AI Sues Artist for Copyright Infringement

Open AI filed a 10 million dollar lawsuit against the artist Juniper Peppercorn. The suit claims that Peppercorn’s iconic painting, Apocailiptic Airt, is painted in the style of AI-produced art. “The figure in the painting has six fingers. It’s a dead give-away,” says Open AI CEO Saim Ailtman.

SNL Writers Threaten Better Jokes

Writers at Saturday Night Live have threatened to write funny jokes unless their demands for worse performers are met. “We have a legacy to protect,” says a psychic, channeling comatose writers.

Devoted MAGA patriots who paid upwards of $500 are breathing a sigh of relief, after months of delays and shifting product descriptions.

In June, 2025, the Trump Phone website scrubbed “Made in the USA,” promising that it would be “Brought to life right here in the USA.” That phrase was later amended to “Will exist right here in the USA,” then “Will be owned by real Americans, like you,” only to be replaced by the enigmatic “Made in the USSA,” and then, “Made while thinking about the USA,” “Made USA-adjacent” and “Made by countries that wish they were the USA.”

A recording on the Trump Mobile help line blames the delays on the “Democrat government shutdown.” A recent post by Trump Phone on Truth Social showed a picture of a Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra in a Spigen phone case with a capital T scrawled on it. The text of the post blames Joe Biden for the delay, saying he is still sitting in the Oval Office and won’t let go of the box of completed Trump Phones. After the threat of lawsuits, the picture that accompanied the post was replaced with what appears to be a brick, painted black and duct-taped to a 1970s push-button telephone.

*not

**In the sense that thoughts about the Trump phone have been formed, possibly in China

“[Insert name of a female politician from a minority population here] is garbage. Her friends are garbage. [Insert name of your ethnicity or religion here] aren’t people that work.”

“The [insert name of your ethnicity or religion here] should be out of here. They’ve destroyed our country. All they do is complain, complain, complain. We’re going the wrong way if we keep taking in garbage into our country.”

“[Insert name of your ethnicity or religion here] contribute nothing. I don’t want them in our country…. We don’t want [Insert name of your ethnicity or religion here] in our country. Let [Insert name of your ethnicity or religion here] go back to where they came from.”

"[Insert name of your ethnicity or religion here] gangs are roving the streets looking for prey.” 

“[Insert the name of the country of your ancestors here] stinks and we don’t want [Insert name of your ethnicity or religion here] 

Braundiana University (formerly Indiana University) president Pampered Witless announced reforms to eliminate/improve the university’s school of music. “I don’t know how we overlooked music in our work to make BU great again,” said Witless.

“What is music, anyway? It’s not a business. It’s just some sounds,” said BU Board of Trustees president Quinn Buckaneer. “They are marching to the beat of a different drummer,” added Buckaneer, while touching the hem of Witless’s garment. “The only beat they should march to is the Wehrmacht march Erika. It’s very catchy.”

“In our righteous work to Americanize education, we have made great progress in eliminating woke studies like ‘language’ and ‘science,’” said Witless. “Music is the worst of the worst. It leads to punk rock and, eventually, zines.”

Music majors should expect imminent and drastic cuts, starting with minor keys and progressing to codas, arpeggios and non-compliant time signatures.