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Shut Yer Pie Hole!
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Shut Yer Pie Hole! is a printed zine, short for 'zine. It is published, and hidden from wider view, in the tiny hamlet of Bloomington, Indiana, USA. We make some of its content available here, online, to satisfy our AI overlords. But for the full effect of holding a paper imprinted with toxic printer send us a small amount of money to either our PO box or electronic money receiving apps, listed below.
RECENT PIE HOLE FILLINGS
DFS Warns Against Resistance Activities that Weaponize Lunch
The Department of Fatherland Security warns the public against dangerously anti-fascist sandwich throwing. Spurred on by the failure of a woke grand jury to indict the terrorist who tried to kill ICE agents with a salami sandwich, radical pro-democracy protesters across the country have been committing untold atrocities with sandwiches. President-For-Your-Life Trump’s newly mobilized National Guard-Proud Boys joint patrols have been the innocent victims of these vicious lunch-time attacks.
ARTS & EXITAINMENT
Tonight on White Fetus: The Zygote Wars continue, as armed Texas fetuses ransack a woke California IVF lab.
60 Minutes is now broadcasting from its new home in the Oval Office. Tonight they nail the coffin on the Epstein files with Hilary Clinton’s emails.
In the music world, breathy auto-tuned “singing” over generic and mind-numbingly boring sounds created by AI, marketed by algorithms to force-feed a public that has lost all critical judgment faculties.
On tonight’s episode of Numbskullduggery, Braundiana University Board of Trustees President Quinn Buckner performs a tribute to Nero, fiddling while the university burns.
Tonight, on James Bondi, Detective Bondi reveals that Jefferey Epstein was an invention of the Carter administration and launches an investigation into President Kennedy’s cold-war Russia hoax.
On all-new episodes of Hulk Hogan’s Heroes, Commandant Hogan discovers a Black prisoner among the American POWs and questions whether he got there due to illegal DEI practices.
Fans of bad puns communicate with the spirit of Beyoncé in a Beyoncéance.
Long pig is on the menu as a family of human-eating hipsters from Hoboken face off against a Kentucky cannibal clan in tonight’s episode of Family Food.
Although his daughter Ivanka is now too old for Donald Trump, there are plenty of other prospects in the all-new Miss Teen USA: Locker Room Edition.
Biologists taking a long walk to a punchline uncover a substrate in our nation’s capitol where an invasive and wealthy parasitical species thrives, feeding off the poor and leaving a toxic, wasteland in their wake, in today’s episode of Substraight to Hell!
MAGA model and part-time fascist Kristi Noem will grace the cover of the reissue of the classic Dead Kennedy’s album, Plastic Surgery Disasters.
Whilfred Whimsley's Life Hax
• The key to a good ice cream casserole is to bake it quickly enough that it doesn’t melt.
• To sound like a millennial with vocal fry, gargle daily with gravel.
• Wear clothes made of burlap sacks to avoid being scratched by your cats when they crawl up your torso.
• If you don’t want to give your money away in a will, just make out a won’t.
• If you want to lose weight and eat pastries, buy them locally, because then they are lo-cal.
• To crush garlic, in order to release the health stuff, place a flat-head screwdriver beneath a medium-sized glass bowl weighted down with a quart of water and line up a stack of clean quarters alongside a plate full of citrus fruit. Then throw all that away and use a garlic press. What are you, an idiot?
From the SHUT YER PIE HOLE! VAULTS
Originally appeared in SYPH August, 2010
Woman Not As Famous As Anne Rice Changes Her Religious Views
Selma Small, a woman who is not famous, has changed her religious views. This comes in the wake of the massive shock of author Anne Rice’s announcement that she has slightly altered her own religious beliefs.
Small, a native of Indiana and amateur dessert-maker, said, “When I heard the news all over the TV and radio about Anne Rice, I had to think about my own thoughts.” Small did just that, to the confusion of local people from around the world. “I haven’t even got over Anne Rice’s change in her beliefs,” said Jim, a man with a mustache. Small explained that after Anne Rice changed from Christianity to atheism back to Christianity and most recently to believing in the teachings of the Church but not being a member of the Church, Small had to announce some sort of change. “I thought, if the world can withstand Anne Rice declaring that she believes in Christ but not in some of the things that the Church does, I have to come clean with some new way of believing, too. I decided that I believe in Santa Clause but not in Christmas.”
News of Selma Small’s change in her religious views has swept through the otherwise inert Indiana village of Indianapolis. “She told me this morning,” said her son Jim, who does not have a mustache. “My jaw dropped. But it does that sometimes – it’s an old basketball injury.”
Others, inspired or perhaps rabbled-roused by Small have begun to reassess their own beliefs. “I used to chew gum,” said Elaine Cranberry, a person. “But now I don’t. At least not today.”
Where this will all lead, nobody knows. But one thing is certain. While the Earth has weathered the BP oil spill and massive flooding in Pakistan, it would prove too much for our planet if Anne Rice decided to think something else.
Anne Rice, seen here drawn in pencil
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