Success is not an option!

Are you concerned that like all jobs not involving toasters AI will replace yours by the time you finish reading this article? Well, concern no more! At Intelligent Artificial (IA), your job as a pretend AI agent is secure! IA is hiring human operators to pretend to be AI in a variety of positions: Pretend to be an AI therapist! Pretend to be an AI marriage advisor! Tell people how to commit atrocities! Instead of investing in expensive artificial intelligence, IA saves money by using human operatives who pretend to be AI that is just slightly slower in its responses. The real fun lies in fake AI videos based on user prompts: IA has a warehouse of costumes and props, including fake hands with six fingers. When a user asks for a movie of a canary teaching a llama how to fly, you can completely ignore the request and produce any bizarre 5-second video you like. Taking drugs on the job is encouraged!

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Recently, the White House proposed forcing all federal workers to sign NDAs. This brings us to today's topic for our dueling editorials: 

Should the government of the United States be run by an unaccountable fascist kleptocracy of incompetent and unqualified bureaucrats using their offices to illegally enrich themselves?

Yes! If we allowed laws to hinder our politicians, President Trump would be inmate #8647 in a CIA-run black box detention center and underground torture facility in Northern Virginia.

Pete Hegseth made it crystal clear that there should be no moral, ethical or legal strings tying the hands of our warriors as they commit war, and the President and his men, such as the former Kristi Noem, have pushed forth the noble idea that police and paramilitary forces must not be hampered by rules protecting the public. This country cannot be free if we allow freedom to run rampant.

Always remember: Crime in the service of personal interest is no crime at all.

And I add these words so than my editorial is not shorter than my opponent's.

Felix "Seymour" Smidth is the Ethics Officer of the Heritage Foundation and the author of When Genocide is Acceptable, available on Amazon.

Duh! What my lamestream RINO friend Felix Smidth does not understand is that his Marxist Democrat illegal-alien loving policies will leave us without a country! President Trump and his golden family have every right to profit off the presidency, because as Richard Nixon asserted and Trump's Supreme Court codified, if a president does it, it's not illegal!

"People" like Felix Smidth would have us believe that the Iran war is a war even when the President tells us it isn't. That's like believing the hoax that gas prices are high. That is why Felix will be primaried out of a job this next cycle.

As for the dim-witted, unqualified bureaucrats who paid good money to have their criminal records erased and be given jobs in the Trump administration, those are exactly the people we need to replace the experienced deep-state egghead experts who ran things when the swamp waters were deceptively clear. Whichever nasty, low-IQ editor asked this question to begin with should be deported.

Seymour "Felix" Smidth is the Financial Integrity Director at the American Enterprise Institute and author of Stop Woke Invaders!

Not parody. Actual fashion news.

The war on pockets continues with the industry pushing micro-mini bags. Not micro bags, not mini bags, but micro-mini bags. These are high couture purses so small they hold a nickel, a bottle cap and possibly half of a used tissue. They are, however, highly practical, since women are not allowed to have pockets.

Sagging pants. You thought that everyone wearing these tripped to their deaths in the 2000s. You were right, but a new generation of people who hate clothes and humanity has brought them back, saggier than ever.

Finally, we report that college students are still wearing only black and white, in an attempt to screen out beauty and imagination and live in a 1930s NAZI propaganda film.

In 1972, when the bar for American pizza was so low that Pizza Hut was considered gourmet, someone from Mother Bears, a pizza joint in Bloomington, Indiana, slept with a writer from People Magazine*. Though People Magazine was never known for culinary reviews, this encounter led to Mother Bears being declared the fourth-best pizza restaurant in the country. If only they had gone down on the People writer a little longer, we could have had the number one pizza restaurant in the country. Since that infamous date 40 or 50 years ago, Mother Bears has kept their “4th in the nation” sign up, regardless of how much better every subsequent pizza restaurant in town has been. Truly, a testament to lasting signage. 

*In keeping with MAGA informational standards, we have made up nearly all of the facts in this article.

To stay relevant to the new wave of Christian nationalism, National Public Radio increased their focus on religious issues, with shows such as Faith Matters and Speaking of Faith. While we at Shut Yer Pie Hole! may be a bit behind the game of fruitlessly trying to placate right-wing Christians, we realize that this constituency will be our ruling masters within the next three years. With that respectful reverency in mind, we introduce the first entry in our soul-saving section, Religion.

Pentagon Eliminates 180 Faiths From Religions Recognized by the War Department

Hegseth’s newly revised list of religions recognized by the armed forces has been shortened to one official faith: Broism. “Broism is a big-tent, inclusive religion,” said Hegseth. “It’s includes all of the diverse branches of Christian Nationalism, and no girls allowed.”

Trump Books the Angel Harold for a Big, Beautiful Christmas 

The Trump administration announced the return of Christmas, which all Americans know was cancelled under Biden. “Christmas will be bigger and better than ever,” said Trump. “In fact, we have plans for a summer Christmas this year. No president has ever been able to have more than one Christmas a year, they tried but only I could do it. We have also hired an angel named Harold, really the best angel, to sing, ‘Hark!’ Just like the Christmas carol in the bible, where he sings, 'Glory to my golden things.'"

Under Trump, Americans will no longer be forced to have low-flush toilets just because they dared to say, "Marry Christmass." and the great entertainer Murray Christmas will no longer be black-listed. "It's a great day for a 2-Christmas year," said Trump, holding up a copy of the Trump Bible, which foretells of Trump's arrival in Revelations, 13:11-18: And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men.... And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads.

The President has called this mark, which we shall all be blessed with, the Best Ever Apocalyptical Sign of Trump, or BEAST. The mark will be honored at every McDonald's franchise throughout the land with a substantial discount like you've never seen.