SOME CALL IT THE SHUT YER PIE HOLE! OF HUMOR MAGAZINES.

From the United States, a country that, outside of its far northern states, continues to pretend that corn syrup is maple syrup, we have exciting news out of Bloomington, Indiana, the city known for having had good restaurants in the 1970s.

Bloomington "town of the bad omelet," Indiana boasts a long-time village deli, called The Village Deli. Owner Abbot Costello has vowed to further decrease the size of their already ridiculously small coffee cups. “We call them ‘Big Gulps’,” says Costello, with a wry smile. “Because they each contain just a single gulp of coffee.” Quantum physicists warn that the coffee cups are approaching their own event horizon and will soon disappear entirely, possibly taking the planet with them. 

Biologists have isolated the genome of the brain worm responsible for chefs caking pancakes and waffles with powered sugar. "It started with donuts and croissants," explained Dr. Patisserie, currently on the run from MAHA hit squads. "But as the brain worms grew, so did the practice of ruining food with powdered sugar. It is expected that this process will continue until the only available menu items are bowls of powdered sugar covered in corn syrup. Thank God they will be gluten-free."

The French Tuck has fallen so far out of fashion that it is now grounds for deportation. 

The manosphere beard is now a requirement for all non-military jobs in the federal government. For full effect, young men should also hunch forward and tepidly raise their fist to chest level. Under no circumstances should men raise their fists higher than the commander in chief raises his, which is just below the nipple.

The name Stephen is not only in fashion, it is mandatory.

Color will return to the pallet of college student dress when AI chooses. Until then, young people are encouraged to branch out from their regulation black and white repertoire to explore all shades of gray.

Tradwives are to wear beige, floral tea-length dresses, which you can refashion from the curtains of funeral homes. All women are now deemed to be tradwives.

Boys get blue and girls get pink and Bible Belt Baby don't have to think. - The Gizmos

The recent decision by the Supreme MAGA Court finally frees states from taking race into account when redistricting. Thus, the previous court-ordered maps that allowed for Black representation in southern states is recognized as unconstitutional.  

Many people with dangerous tendencies to think are asking how redrawing maps to ensure an over-representation of white people, at the expense of Black voters, does not violate the same Supreme MAGA Court order. The explanation is simple. "Black" is a race, whereas "white" is the absence of race. White is just normal. Therefore, contorting the shapes of districts to benefit white voters is not taking race into account.

• If you are hugging someone when there's a shot and there's a period of time when nobody knows which one of you got shot, then you are in a movie or on TV.

• If anybody says to you, "You and I are actually very much alike," they are the bad guy in a movie or on TV. If you reply, "You and I are nothing alike," you are the good guy in a movie or on TV.

• If you repeat some words of wisdom back to a person who spoke those words to you when you first met years ago, you are in a movie or on TV.

• If you set explosives to blow up a building but instead of watching it explode, turn and walk away while it blows up or bursts into fire, you are in a movie or on TV.

• If you are sharing a bottle of wine with friends and absolutely no one comments on how good it tastes, you are in a movie or on TV.

• If a crowd of people spontaneously break out into song and dance, you might just be in Portland.

To advertise in Shut Yer Pie Hole! classified section, send $300 and your mother's favorite gourd to Shut Yer Pie Hole! P.O. Box 2494, Bloomington, Indiana, 47402. Remember to include your feelings and any relevant Broadway experience.

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Houses

House for sale. $299,000. Doors included.

Cars

1999 Ford Chevy Cameron Deluxe. 300,000 miles. Like new. Doors included.

Used Pingpong Balls

Used pingpong balls. Lot of three. Contact Seymour.

Cat Petting

Pet my cat. No questions asked.

Miscellaneous

Pay $700. Details to be revealed.

Snipers wanted. Hatred of students required. Contact "Pammy" Whitten, (812) 855-4613. 

Cat got your tongue? We will get it back. Call our undisclosed number for details.

Get paid to sit on your couch all day and write zines. Then tell us how you did it.

What are you doing right now? Find out by calling Flock Surveillance, (812) 855-4613. 

Bodily Functions

Learn the correct way to vomit. Send $5.95 to Shut Yer Pie Hole! P.O. Box 2494, Bloomington, IN 47402.

Lessons

I hope you've learned your lesson, young man.

Confuse Your Cats

Make strange sounds to confuse your cats. Boredom required.

Pianos

Drop off your used pianos at our poolside tennis court. Hand them to Jorge. Avoid eye contact.

Sexy Tuna Casserole

Send $5 for pictures.

Wanted

Man to go to Showalter Fountain every Wednesday evening and walk around in circles for half an hour. No pay. Call me at my number.

I need a lot of tin cans so I can stack them up real high and knock them down. Won't you please help me have fun? Email shutyerpieholemagazine@gmail.com.

I have them in bottles, old grocery sacks, see-through plastic bags and in my car. What are they? Find out for yourself. Call me at (812) 332-0291.

Why aren't you famous yet? Call me at (951) 262-3062 and I'll tell you.